Probably not the best title. I don’t know what else to call it. It seems my big Thank you to all my followers opened my eyes to something. And that is, that there are some out there in the Blogosphere that have been hurt in life.
I was shocked to discover that about some of my followers. We are all kind of in our own little closets of secrecy. And let me tell you something, it is not easy sharing something painful from the past.
I have deleted and rewrote several post since I have started blogging. Then that day when I hit 500 followers I just opened up a bit more and instead of deleting it, I hit that publish button. Well, by that point , it was out there for anyone to read.
This post that I have decided to publish once again, is another one of those post I just sat on. Wondering if I should send it out, knowing how much it helps to write it all down and then the surprise of hearing back from others that they too have experienced all these things.It is all a healing process that lets everyone know “Hey, this is happening people and you are not alone”
For anyone who has had to deal with anyone toxic in their life, they know how hard it is to open up and trust someone to tell them their story. You see, what happens to the ones that have been hurt, is that they keep getting hurt. It becomes hard for them to know who to trust. The biggest tragedy when it comes to getting away from a sociopath or toxic person, is not the fact that you can’t trust anyone afterwards, it’s the fact that you can’t even trust yourself.
You will question everything in your life. From what you say, write, wear, do etc….it is a never ending cycle. It is like that toxic person is still stuck in your head, still around abusing you, but it isn’t them. They have made you your own worst enemy by believing all their lies. It is quite the head game. To deprogram yourself from thinking that way after living it for so many years is not an easy path, but it is possible.
The biggest thing I have learned when it comes to emotionally healing, is to forgive. This might hit a nerve with some, and that is okay, because I was at a place of anger as well in the beginning. It helps that I believe in God. No judgement on anyone who doesn’t. None of us should ever judge.
It started when I was a little girl, my belief. A kind neighbor opened her back door to let the little girl across her alley and fed me with kindness. It was her words that I needed . She knew when she opened that back door, that the little girl that was coming from the house where everyone always heard fights needed her kind words. I still have her little Jesus statue she gave me.
Every now and then when I come across someone toxic, I can still hear her saying “You can never hate someone, only hate the things they do.” When you deal with hateful people, you have to be very careful not to become that same hateful creature as well. Forgiveness lets your heart heal properly. Again, that is hard in the beginning, but everyone eventually comes to a place of peace.
For years I tried to figure out what happened, what caused my mom to be the way she was. I opened up a can of worms with that research. Going back in the past, looking for old newspaper articles, speaking to older family members…I now know why they call it a can of worms.
I stopped my research when it got to a point where I would have to look up old archives on court records from years before I was born. Trying to connect dots, find the truths to all the tragedies that seemed to have followed my mother since she was a little girl, is not an easy road to go down. I needed to take a break for awhile. I have discovered in my search for answers, that my mother was a hurt little girl. Not a reason for her to get away with mistreating others, but it explained a lot.
Sociopaths are born, but it is the environment they grow up in that turns them into real monsters. In my mother’s case, her environment was the perfect storm. .
Toxic people have several personalities and depending on what role you play in their world, you may get a fun one, a kind one, a flirty one, or a cruel one…but the toxic person will never give you the true one.
The ugliest lie toxic people tell is that lie that they love the person they are abusing. Always playing nice around others, pretending to be kind and showing everyone how much they do for so many people. This is a power play of theirs. So that when the person they are abusing finally has the courage to speak up and tell others, no one will ever believe them. Sociopaths are not stupid. Everything they do in their life is a calculated move for their future.
Toxic people will also play the sympathy card a lot. Getting others to feel sorry for them, all while seeing just how far they can manipulate someone into doing things, controlling them secretly by feeding off those kind hearts of their victims.
The sympathy game is the most popular one they play because it lets them know just how easy a person is to control. If you fall for the lies, then they know they got you. Depending on what part you will end up playing in their life from that moment forward, you will either be their golden one, scapegoat, flying monkey etc….but never will you be someone they love. They can only love themselves.
Then there is the truth. Toxic people are terrified of truths. My mother knows I know all the truths to her lies and that makes me dangerous. To keep her lies protected she will continue to attack me as long as she lives. It doesn’t bother me as much as it used to, her attacks every now and then. It is “her people” that she gets to attack me as well, that’s what bothers me.It’s the reason I can’t be on Facebook. If I were on Facebook and shared what makes me happy, or people treated me with kindness, my mother would become angry and start up her games. It is better that I have become invisible to her. Her games lead to tragedies.
When my mother manipulates people around her to sabotage my life and that of my family, that is when I become afraid. There are individuals throughout history, that are so charismatic, that they never have to get their hands dirty to have dirty deeds done. They whisper their lies to turn one person against another and then the battles begin. This is how wars get started, how loving people get torn apart and separated… it is how suffering begins in an otherwise happy environment.
When strangers, friends and other family member’s believe the toxic lies and the hate my mother loves to stir up, it is hard to deflect from that. It will never matter what I say to defend myself. When you go against a master manipulator, who has been doing that since they were a child, unless you are like that yourself you will always loose. The best thing to do is walk away and live a happy and peaceful life.
There is a back story on Our Little Red House. It is a painful story that starts with loving one another and wanting to share that happiness and it ends with jealousy and bitterness and the death of my father. Maybe someday I will have the courage to tell it all. Who would believe me anyway.
Sometimes when it is quiet and peaceful and my husband and I are enjoying that peaceful moment out of the blue I will say “ In order to defend myself I have to make my own mom into a monster and to do that only makes people hate me” I will always loose.
Mothers aren’t monsters after all, they give hugs, and love you. They keep your secrets and give you advice on life and they will sacrifice their own happiness to make sure their babies have happiness first.
Who am I to poison that image and whoever does, beware, because people almost always take the mothers side. So all those abused children out there that survived their childhood and grew up, never reporting abuse, never having the courage to speak up, they are suppose to stay in a toxic relationship and continue being abused because it’s Mom after all and that’s just life. How sad for all those unreported abuse cases. There are a lot of you out there too.
I will mourn the mother she should have been. I will forgive her because of the hurt little girl she once was. But I will no longer let her steal my happiness. Instead, I will pray she finds happiness herself while I love her from a distance. When people ask how can you love someone who hurt you. I always answer “ You love the person they could have been and should have become”.
To my followers out there that have been hurt, I am sorry that happened to you. I hope this post doesn’t trigger old hurts. Just wanted to let you all know that I think you are brave, even if you don’t want to share that ugly part of your history. Just keep those happy parts close and keep creating new happiness everyday. I will keep posting those happy and positive things about my life as well. This post is not one of my normal posts and I will not be making this a habit. I have more fun with my DIY’s and Arizona adventures. Although there might be days when I start writing away and hit that publish button before thinking and open up another can of worms. Thank God for that delete button. Thank you for stopping by, have a beautiful day. Stay safe, happy and healthy out there in the world, from all of us at Our Little Red House.
“ Every test in our life makes us Bitter or Better. Every problem comes to Break us or Make us. The choice is ours whether we become Victim or Victor”
Photos above are of new daisies that came out this morning to greet me. A special little gift from God.